I guess all of my letters will be to you.. Today I'm sad. I'm falling apart and searching for the needle and thread. My stitches are coming undone and I'm so desperately alone. I'm falling apart and searching for who I was when I was with you. I don't know how to make my words sound pretty, or how to make them flow. I don't have that ability today. Because there's nothing pretty about pain. There's no romance in watching your blood bead on the surface. There's no power in sobbing, body wracking sobs that leave me gasping for breath. Today's memory is one of the times we went to brunch together. The way you would cut a piece of your omelet off and smile at whatever I was saying. Oh. Your smile. All of the times I was rewarded with it. Your laughing smile was my favorite because it reached your eyes. Your green eyes spotted with brown and gold.
There's no glory in this desperation. This need. You're always on my mind. But I promised I wouldn't bother you. I promised I would leave you alone. And I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to get better. But it's not working. Nothing is. Zack was a temporary heal to a festering wound. And all he did was pour alcohol in it and watch me scream. I'm proud of myself because I've gotten so good at hiding my feelings. I've mastered faking a smile and saying I'm fine. When that's probably the understatement of the year. I love you. I have since September. And now, approximately two months away from a year when we started dating and I can feel my heart constricting. I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. You were my sun, my moon, and my stars. Now I don't want any of those. I just want silence and peace. I want sleep. I want to be able to close my eyes and not see you. I want to be able to listen to music again and not hear you singing me to sleep. I want to be able to sleep through the night without waking up shaking, reaching for you, knowing you aren't there to hold me. I want to be able to write this without crying.
You fucking destroyed me just by loving me. And I can't fucking recover. I can't stop the memories or the pain. I fucking try. I really do. I hide behind a razor and alcohol. They dull me. I can barely breathe. But it's okay. I'm fine. One day I'll go to bed, and I'll sleep. And you won't be in my dreams, you won't whisper things to me when I sleep, I won't wake up sobbing and screaming your name. But tonight is not that night. Tonight I'm going to drink until it doesn't hurt. Then I'm going to wrap myself in the monkey you gave me after you didn't see me for a month, and I'm going to cling to your hat like it's a life line. I'm going to read over old conversations and listen to your voice in my head. And I'm going to get lost. Lost in memories until it's okay again. I love you Kukenvagen.